The Changing of the Seasons, The Changing of Life.

(I posted this on cafemom a few weeks ago.... I wanted to put it here...)

So this weeks Journal question is about my favorite season...

        Normally that would be a simple cut & dry answer. Fall. I love the changing of the leaves, the crunchy sound the leaves make when you walk on them. I love the nice weather. Being able to take my little guy out for a walk to see what kinds and colors we can find of leaves. Watching all the children in my area trick or treating. The smell of Pecan pies cooking, Turkeys baking.... Good hardy soups in the crock pot....

        This year though it is going to be very bitter sweet for us. Last year was hard, but it was nice. We got to enjoy all of this one last time with my father in law, so also enjoyed fall. He got to see his only grandchild come running through the house, to where he was laying in bed, & share candy.... This year he's not going to be here.

         When I bake Pecan Pie, he's not going to be there to Joke about Having to do a trial pie just for him to taste.... Or steal half the pecans (he thinks he did, but I always had extra.) There will be no sharing all the good candy with Papa this year.... There will be no turkeys for him either.

          It hurts, but I know its for the best. As much as I hate to say that. He is truly better off. After battling cancer for three years, he held out for as long as he could.

        But this fall, as sweet as it is, to have back. It hurts. I know whats coming & I dont know how to deal with it. In just a few short months He will be gone for a whole year. That hurts. Alot. He shouldn't have left. He was so young, and a good person...

      Nov 20th will make a year.... Thanksgiving will never be the same. It was his favorite holiday... & Even though it will never be the same. I look forward to it. To knowing that people who loved him will be sharing stories about him...



              Last year Fall felt BAD. It was as if the season it's self brought the death of my father in law.. I know thats not true, but I couldn't help but notice for the first time that Fall brought the death of butterflies & flowers.... Leaves & Roses.... It was an evil season & I knew before it happened that my father in law wouldn't make it to see Christmas, as hard as I wished for him to, As much as I begged the gods, or god, or whoever you believe in... I knew with fall our lives where going to change..

     It took me all winter to start growing out of the haze I was in. I didn't do anything that I didn't have to do. I refused to even take out my camera but once. When I went on a trip my father planned for me. Even then as much as I enjoyed it, & I was excited about it, the loss was still too there.

      When Spring started showing, I started healing. I took my camera back out & would spend hours behind the lens. Enjoying seeing everything being reborn again. I enjoyed nursing my roses back from the harsh cruel winter. I started to feel better, behind that camera lens. It woke me up... I felt almost human again. The pain was still there. It will always be there. I don't think the pain ever really goes away, I think we as humans just learn how to deal with the pain...



      I smiled brighter & laughed harder. I remembered the spring before. The fun we had, the good & the bad. We took flowers to the grave & I LAUGHED at the grave, because I knew if Daddy was alive he'd be bitching that I cut roses from my own rose bushes to bring to him. He hated that. He much rather had store bought, that way I didn't "ruin" my beautiful bushes in his words. I never listened & I cut him roses anyway.



      With spring came new, new roses, new laughter, new life...... It helped to deal me. Or at least I like to think that Spring & my camera started healing me. I know I have a long road ahead of me. My whole family does.
 Even though this fall is going to hurt, I think we'll be alright. We'll remember. We'll laugh, We'll cry. We'll be together, honoring the life of a very simple country man who changed everything..


     So to answer the question fall and spring are my favorite seasons. They always have been, but this is the first year for them being my favorite seasons for a reason...















To Marvin T. Dorman. (11-24-51 to 11-20-2009) We'll always love you & We'll look at for the Brightest Star, because we know its you. We love you daddy, Happy Fall.